Our job as doulas is to provide evidence-based information to families who seek us out to support their births. We're supposed to be a blank canvas, a person without judgement about the "right" or "wrong" ways to give birth, because there is no right or wrong way to birth. Because each birth is the "right" birth for the person who gives birth, even if it doesn't go as planned.
But we would be lying to ourselves and our the families that we serve if we presumed to lack an opinion about birth. I think it has to do with our personal preferences for our own births, especially doulas who have given birth themselves. And for doulas like me who hope to one day give birth to living children, I have an idea about the kind of birth I imagine myself to have. So when documentaries come out about birth and about the state of maternal health in our country doulas and birth workers tend to seek them out, study them (and study them again) to make sure that they're giving good information based on the latest evidence about birth. I watched this Lisa Ling special about birth today and I will continue to watch it over and again to tease out information I think is useful for my families. What I do enjoy about this documentary, based solely on my initial viewing, is that it looks at birth from all angles; it tackles racial disparities in maternal health for black people vs. white people, it looks at infertility and how it affects people and families, it looks at surrogacy and it looks at birth by cesarean. And while it would seem that Lisa is coming at it in a sort of biased, wagging a finger way, it's not that way at all. Instead it gives you a glimpse into real scenarios for a majority of families who have babies. Click here to check it out!
0 Comments
My sister was an addict, so the word "junkie" has always had negative connotations for me. It indicates that someone is powerless to a substance; whether it be drugs, food, alcohol, or anything else that is harmful or does harm. So, to put "junkie" behind birth? It's just not for me. I love birth. I remember my first birth like it was yesterday. I was with the mama for almost 48 hours, it was a long induction followed by a long labor followed by quick pushing. Her little one needed to be placed in the NICU for observation so I stayed with her even longer and visited her baby boy. When I finally got home I was exhausted but alive. I even mentioned to my partner that I smelled like birth. It was then, that I knew I was hooked. Hooked. There's another possible triggering word, a word with some negative connotations as well, and I used it. I do have a strong desire to get back into birth work. The move to the Pacific Northwest has been a transitional one and while I have a full time job that is fulfilling me financially, it's not fulfilling me as a person. Only birth work has done that for me. So am I addicted to birth work? Am I hooked on it? Am I "birth junkie"? I think not, I'm just a woman who wants to live to help other women experience the blissful pleasure that is birth. Head over to Maiden to Mother to read an article by another doula and the term "birth junkie" One of my favorite births was a dear friend of mine. She had a hard labor that totally veered off of our Birth Vision. Low fluids followed by an induction and a strong reaction to Cervidil followed by epidural and Pitocin and a lovely, healthy baby boy. Through the hard times and the bliss that an epidural can sometimes bring, I felt like I was a witness to the birth, rather than a participant. Which sounds strange as a doula. What I mean is that this mother and her husband were so connected, so in sync, so in their own world that much of my role was to support them. A doula doesn't replace the role of husband or partner or birth partner, our role is to enhance and support. And yes, sometimes to stand watch while the partner takes a nap. What About The Father’s Role When Using A Doula? The role of the doula is never to take the place of husbands or partnersin labor, but to compliment and enhance their experience. Today, more husbandsare an active role in the birth process. However, some partners prefer toenjoy the delivery without having to stand in as the labor coach. By havinga doula as a part of the birth team, a father is free to do whatever hechooses. Doulas can encourage the father to use comfort measures and canstep in if he wants a break. Having a doula allows the father to support his partner emotionally during labor and birth and to also enjoy the experience without the added pressure of trying to remember everything he learned in child birth class! Read the rest of this article outlining the benefits of having a doula. So what is the evidence for doulas? In 2012, Hodnett et al. published an updated Cochrane review on the use of continuous support for women during childbirth. They pooled the results of 22 trials that included more than 15,000 women. These women were randomized to either receive continuous, one-on-one support during labor or “usual care.” The quality of the studies was good.Continuous support was provided either by a member of the hospital staff, such as a midwife or nurse (9 studies), women who were not part of the woman’s social network and not part of hospital staff (doula 5 studies; childbirth educators 1 study, retired nurses 1 study), or a companion of the woman’s social network such as a female relative or the woman’s partner (6 studies). In 11 studies, the husband/partner was not allowed to be present at birth, and so continuous support was compared to no support at all. In all the other studies, the husband or partner was allowed to be present in addition to the person providing continuous labor support. Overall, women who received continuous support were more likely to have spontaneous vaginal births and less likely to have any pain medication, epidurals, negative feelings about childbirth, vacuum or forceps-assisted births, and C-sections. In addition, their labors were shorter by about 40 minutes and their babies were less likely to have low Apgar scores at birth. What does this mean? It means that if you have continuous labor support (that is, someone who never leaves your side), you are statistically more likely to have better outcomes and your baby is more likely to have better outcomes! How did doulas compare to the other types of continuous support? The researchers also looked to see if the type of support made a difference. They wanted to know—does it matter who you choose for your continuous support? Does it matter if you choose a midwife, doula, or partner for your continuous support? They were able to look at this question for 6 outcomes: use of any pain medication, use of Pitocin during labor, spontaneous vaginal birth, C-section, admission to special care nursery after birth, and negative ratings of birth experience. For most of these outcomes,* the best results occurred when woman had continuous labor support from a doula– someone who was NOT a staff member at the hospital and who was NOT part of the woman’s social network. When continuous labor support was provided by a doula, women experienced a:
Why are doulas so effective? A doula can act as a buffer in a harsh environment. There are 3 main reasons why we think doulas are so effective. The first reason is the “harsh environment” theory. In most developed countries, ever since birth moved out of the home and into the hospital, women have been giving birth in conditions that can often be described as harsh. In the hospital, laboring women are frequently submitted to institutional routines, high intervention rates, personnel who are strangers, lack of privacy, bright lighting, and needles. Most of us would have a hard time dealing with these conditions when we’re feeling our best. But women in labor to deal with these harsh conditions when they are in their most vulnerable state. These harsh conditions may slow down a woman’s labor and decrease the woman’s self-confidence. It is thought that a doula “buffers” this harsh environment by providing continuous support and companionship which promotes the mother’s self-esteem (Hofmeyr, Nikodem et al. 1991). A dad says: “My experience has shown me that, whether you’re giving birth in the hospital, birth center, or at home, your impact and ability to connect and support your wife during the birth process is both supported and maximized by having a doula there on your team.” Credit: www.yourbirthjourney.net and Seattle Birth Photography The third reason that doulas are effective is becausedoulas are a form of pain relief (Hofmeyr, 1991). With continuous support, women are less likely to request epidurals or pain medication (Hodnett, 2011). Why are women with doulas less likely to request pain medications? Well, women are less likely to request pain medications when they have a doula because they just don’t need an epidural as much! Women who have a doula are statistically more likely to feel less pain when a doula is present.Furthermore, by avoiding epidural anesthesia, women may avoid many medical interventions that often go along with an epidural, including Pitocin augmentation and continuous electronic fetal monitoring (Caton, Corry et al. 2002). Read the entire article here. 2/18/2014 Cross-Post from The Birthing Site: "Debunking The 6 Week Wait: Exercises for Postnatal Recovery"Read NowI saw this post on Facebook today and felt a sense of relief. I like to remind my Mamas and partners to be wary of the numbers set by medical teams. 40 weeks of pregnancy, Due Dates, postpartum healing times are all varied based on the individual woman. Women aren't machines that come with manuals, as we all know. Still, like everything, it's a good idea to talk to your provider before starting or changing any physical activity before, during and after your pregnancy. Written by Lorraine Scapens Do you really need to wait 6 weeks until you can exercise or until you have had your postnatal check up by your GP? Why is it that a 6 week waiting time to exercise is still actively promoted to women when there is no reason to wait this long? You actually get weaker the longer post-birth you wait to exercise. I don’t want you to be misled as I know what you may be thinking……”So soon after I have given birth, are you mad? There is no way I’m rushing back into an exercise program, I don’t feel up to it!" I’m not suggesting you start doing chin ups and walking lunges around the lounge or going hard in an aerobics class. Instead, I am advising easy rehabilitation exercises, which can promote recovery. Waiting will actually prolong it! The first 6 weeks after birth are an intense time for any mum, experienced or not. New mums can put a lot of pressure on themselves to do everything right, it can be a very stressful time but the right kind of exercise can help with this. 5 Benefits of Specific Postnatal Exercise: 1: Faster Recovery Post Birth: If you don’t exercise soon after birth, muscles stay weak for a much longer time period. This limits how quickly your body can recover. The longer you leave the weak connections the harder it is for the nervous system to re-connect. 2: Reduced Pain- Especially in the Lower Back and Hip Areas: When the abdominal and pelvic floor muscles have been significantly stretched in pregnancy they become much weaker. The weakening of these important core stabilizers will lead the nervous system to rely on the muscles in the lower back instead. This is why this area often aches. Strengthening these core muscles quickly will improve functional strength, allowing you to be able to lift and carry your baby with less pain. 3: Improved Posture Your posture changes during your pregnancy. As your baby grows it places many demands on the muscular and skeletal system. Exercise will help to address postural muscle imbalances which may have caused pain during pregnancy. Poor posture will also prevent healing of abdominal muscle separation, known as diastasis recti (see below). Read More 02/5/14 by Crystal Azul
I grew up hearing stories about births and deaths from my mom, who was raised in a poor, evangelical home in Mexico. My mom would tell me the story of her nephew Esteban’s birth. It happened during the middle of a hurricane, the water had risen a foot into the tiny house, and my mom’s cousin was in active labor. Baby Esteban, nearly having a water birth, came out of his squatting mother like a slippery fish, caught by my mom’s capable hands. When my friends started having babies, I became actively interested in birth justice work, especially after hearing their stories of unnecessary interventions, lack of communication from hospital staff about procedures, and the feelings of being too overwhelmed to make an informed decision during labor. As a feminist, womanist, and queer POC, I understood all too well the importance of advocacy during times of medical vulnerability. In 2011, I finally trained as a doula in Arcata (Humboldt County) and had my first client – a 17 year old woman who found me on a volunteer doula list through the Family Practice Nurses who worked with mothers on WIC. After this first experience of working for my client and representing her wishes, I knew that would never want to work for a hospital or similar institution and began searching for ways to be a doula in community. Last August, I attended SQUATfest, a conference for people working in birth/reproductive justice and held at the Women’s Building in SF. As can be expected, the conference was predominantly white and cis, though some effort had been made to offer scholarships for low-income/POC birth workers. For many (qt)poc folks, accessibility with regards to affordability is one of the biggest obstacles to becoming a doula or hiring a doula. (There is a movement to include doula services through Medi-Cal, and there are volunteer doula programs in select hospitals that provide doulas for those who qualify as low-income.) During SQUATfest, I spent time in the Doulas & Midwives of color circle. There were many conversations about working in mostly white and privileged spaces, bringing services and support to communities of color, and burn-out being a major issue for (qt) POC birth workers. Some of the newer birthworkers discussed finding it challenging to “connect with birthworkers of color for mentorship because they are too done, tired and are moving on, have too much risk/responsibility already on their plate, or are homophobic/transphobic.” I had the privilege of hearing the wisdom of such birth justice workers as Midwives Makeda Kamara, Claudia Booker, and our local Certified Professional Midwife Laura Perez from Sacred Birth Place in Oakland. Keep reading The following post is from Jodi the Doula, a wise wealth of knowledge.The yoni drawing is from DaisyBones Many women, I'm finding, fall into three camps: Those who know for sure they want a doula; those who think they want a doula, but are unsure of a doula's role; and those who don't know what a doula is. Because I am a doula, I think that every woman should have a doula at her birth, but also realize that for a variety of reasons this is impossible. So, I seek information about the roles of doulas in births today as well as the role of doulas in birth in the past to help guide my practice and my on-going education as a doula. What ever you chose for your birth, be it a hospital birth, home birth or birth center birth, make sure that you educate yourself about your options so that you can have the best birth possible! Doula FAQ What’s a doula? What does a doula do? At what point in my pregnancy should I contact a doula? I have a great doctor or midwife, and will have a nurse. Do I really need a doula, too? I am already taking childbirth classes. Why would I need a doula? I’ve already taken another class. Would you still be my Doula? Do I need a doula if I already plan to have someone (my mom, my partner, my friend) to be with me during my labor and birth? I’m not sure that I want a “stranger” in the delivery room with me. Isn’t birth supposed to be private? I’m not sure yet what choices I’ll make in labor. Do I need a doula if I might have an epidural? What if I have to have a Cesarean birth? How much does it cost to have a Doula? Are the costs of your services covered by insurance? What’s a doula? The term Doula, originally from the Greek word meaning “Woman’s servant”, is used today to describe a professional who provides women with emotional and physical support during pregnancy, labor, birth and the postpartum period. Doulas are known by many names, including: Childbirth Assistant, Labor Support Professional, Birth Assistant, Birth Companion, etc. What does a doula do? A birth doula provides a listening ear for the emotional process of pregnancy, physical comfort suggestions during pregnancy and labor and informational support for both the laboring mom and her partner. The doula is knowledgeable about the entire birth process, possesses skills to help a laboring mom cope with the physical experience and emotions of labor and understands the importance of this event in the life of the couple. The doula will provide support for mom and baby by helping mom formulate questions, gather information, and discuss the options available with the medical staff. The doula will not perform clinical tasks, and will never make decisions on behalf of a woman. A Doula will always respect that it is up to the mother to make the informed choice that is best for her. Most importantly, the doula uses her skills to complement those of the woman’s partner and medical providers, helping to ensure a satisfying birth memory. At what point in my pregnancy should I contact a doula? The earlier the better! Although the benefits of having a doula for your birth will be the same whether you contact her at 12 weeks or at 35 weeks, the difference in finding your doula early in pregnancy is that you’ll have someone you know that you can call on with those “Is this normal?” or “What does this mean?” sort of phone calls throughout your pregnancy. As well, the longer you have known your doula, the more of a relationship you will build. Furthermore, I tend to book up very quickly, so it is a good idea to contact us soon, so that I can be sure to be available for you. With that said, there is no such thing as “too late” to find a Doula. You will benefit from Doula support, whether you have known your Doula for months, or merely days. I have a great doctor or midwife, and will have a nurse. Do I really need a Doula, too? Doulas, doctors, midwives, and nurses all take on separate and unique roles in supporting birth. Each one is important part of the birth team, and all work together to help the laboring woman have a healthy and positive experience. The nurse is responsible for charting, monitoring, and reporting to the doctor or midwife, sometimes for several patients at once. Physicians and midwives are highly trained as medical experts, and are responsible for monitoring the safety of the mother and baby during labor and delivery. A Doula remains a constant presence throughout labor, focusing entirely on providing comfort for the laboring mom and her partner. A Doula’s job is not to replace any part of the medical team, but to complement their roles by providing constant support and information to the mom and her partner. I am already taking childbirth classes. Why would I need a doula? Doulas are intended to enhance – not replace – the services of your childbirth instructor. Your doula will be with you to remind you at appropriate times during labor of the things you have already learned in childbirth class. I’ve already taken another class. Would you still be my Doula?Gladly! I have a strong understanding of many different childbirth class philosophies, and can work comfortably with any laboring woman. Do I need a Doula if I already have someone (my mom, my partner, my friend) to be with me during my labor and birth? It is certainly wonderful for a laboring woman to have the presence of others who love her. A doula will enhance the support that others will provide, without being intrusive. Often, your doula has a level of knowledge and experience that your partner may not. Additionally, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, and dear friends each have their own emotional response to seeing the woman they love experience labor, and to welcoming this new child into their lives. A Doula will respect that this is a special moment for each person, and will gently provide encouragement, information and reassurance that will help a woman’s loved ones offer their support in a way that also respects the laboring woman’s needs. I’m not sure that I want a “stranger” in the delivery room with me. Isn’t birth supposed to be private? Birth is an intimate experience, and the doula is a professional who will respect your wishes regarding privacy and modesty. Many women and their partners report feeling more secure due to the presence of a doula. I’m not sure yet what choices I’ll make in labor. Do I need a doula if I might have an epidural? What if I have to have a Cesarean birth? A doula’s goal is to help you have the best birth experience possible, however you define it. If using pain medication is an option you are considering during labor, your doula will help you make an informed choice about what’s best for you and your baby in the moment. Your Doula will support you and your partner in the early stages of labor before an epidural can be considered, continue to provide support in whatever way is needed throughout labor, and help you avoid further intervention.If your caregiver suggests a cesarean, your doula will help you be as informed as possible about the surgery and the post-partum recovery. your doula will guide you in asking questions that will help you gather necessary information about the reasons your caregiver recommends a cesarean, the risks and benefits relative to your particular situation, and any alternatives you may have. In this case, you will likely make an informed decision and will therefore be more satisfied with a surgical outcome.She will also help to reinforce that even though a cesarean may not have been your goal, you are still giving birth. She will celebrate with you, and facilitate closeness between the new family. How much does it cost to have a Doula? This varies somewhat, based upon the services you desire and the going rate in your location. An average birth Doula services package begins at $800 to $1,000. However, I believe in “A Doula for every woman who wants one”, and when possible I am willing to set up a sliding scale or payment plans for those with whom affordability is a concern, or will help you in finding another professional who can serve your birth. Finances should never be the deciding factor in the choice to hire a Doula. Are the costs of your services covered by insurance? As more woman are choosing doulas as part of the birth team, and more research is being done proving the benefits of Doula care, more insurance companies are covering the cost of Doula service. Many insurance providers also cover the cost of childbirth classes, whether those classes are private or in-hospital. All receipts and information you need for filing for insurance reimbursement will gladly be provided. By JOSIE PICKENS WriterAs far as I’m concerned, there is always country for Erykah Badu, whether she’s blowing us away with her genre- and spirit-shifting music, keeping it real by admitting what we all know about the state of hip-hop, or reminding us that reading is fundamental by clapping back at disrespectful detractors on social media. My favorite side of the entertainer, however, is when she speaks about doulas and natural birth. In an interview last year with Origin magazine, Badu opened up about why she became a doula: “I kind of felt like, I like being the welcoming committee. I just continued to be present at different people’s births, and I started studying on my own, different techniques, and the variables of what being a doula is about. I learned to originally be like water, in the place that I was, so that I could be a container for whatever they need. I love being of service in that way. I’m an official doula, and I am working to get my midwifery license right now.” I’m particularly attached to the natural birth narrative because I have “baby catchers” in both my maternal and paternal familial lines. I know that home births and midwifery aren’t for everyone. But I do believe the work of doulas is exceptionally important, a mostly forgotten aspect of the healthy pregnancy and birth story—a part that many Black women have forgotten are a significant part of our history. So what is a doula, exactly? According to DONA International: “The word ‘doula’ comes from the ancient Greek, meaning ‘a woman who serves,’ and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.” Doulas are essentially “team mommy” personnel. Their only responsibility is to assist mothers with being comfortable, safe and aware during the birthing process. Also, because doulas have birthing experience and training, they ensure that mothers-to-be are well informed about all that happens before, during and after giving birth. (Trust me, as a mother who had a very difficult pregnancy, there is a lot to know. It’s overwhelming how much.) Giving birth can be a difficult, frightening experience, especially for first-time mothers and mothers who experience complicated births. A lack of knowledge, and the nervousness and stress that comes during labor and delivery, can make giving birth extremely tedious and complicated. An extremely interesting aspect of doulas and Black women is the perception that it’s a ‘White granola’ thing to do. At one point, most of the midwives in the U.S. were Black. Having a doula hold a mother’s hand, interact with medical staff on her behalf, and help her breathe and push—all while providing patience, information and instruction—can definitely make the birthing process less difficult, briefer and safer. Less difficult births mean healthier babies and mommies, and that is the power doulas offer the world. I thoroughly enjoy reading tweets from @thepbg (a.k.a. Cashawn Thompson) as she chronicles her life of caring for young children. Thompson is also a practicing doula. When I asked her why she chose to take up the practice, she said, “We are living in a time where a lot of pregnant women find themselves alone and without a partner during pregnancy and birth, for any number of reasons and personal choices. That doesn’t mean they don’t need support. Doulas provide educational and emotional support during pregnancy and birth, which is empowering and absolutely necessary. It sets the tone for how one sees herself in the role of a parent, how effective she can be and how she will eventually parent her child.” Some may ask, if being a doula is such a benefit, why have Black women shied away from the practice? Freya Morani—doula, breast-feeding educator and creator of rootmama.org—believes Black women have disconnected from their ancestral attachment to midwifery and doulaing. “An extremely interesting aspect of doulas and Black women is the perception that it’s a ‘White granola’ thing to do,” she says. “Black women don’t know their legacy of midwifery and birth assistance. At one point, most of the midwives in the U.S. were Black. We’re far removed.” As a doula, Morani says she’s dedicated to serving Black families, particularly Black mothers, who are up to four times more likely than White mothers to die from complications during child birth. Looking back, I wish I’d have enlisted the services of a doula during my pregnancy and birth. It might have alleviated some of the stress I experienced as a first-time mom. If I decide to give birth again, I’ll surely have a doula by my side. Read more at EBONY http://www.ebony.com/life/doulas-and-black-motherhood-888#ixzz2rtzBTTMy Follow us: @EbonyMag on Twitter | EbonyMag on Facebook by Jess Helle-Morrissey, MA, MSW, LGSW, LCCE, CLEC Doulas serve a multi-faceted role in a birthing family’s life: supporter, encourager, normalizer, educator, guide. We rub backs, we squeeze hands, we stroke hair, we breathe, we hold space. We press cool cloths to a birthing woman’s head as she brings her baby (or babies) forth from the warm, wet womb to the bright spinning world. One role that is often overlooked, but is perhaps most sacred to my own doula heart, is that of witness. As doulas, we witness over and over again that unique and unparalleled moment in a woman’s life when she becomes a mother. Whether it’s a first birth, or a seventh, a mother is born each time she births a baby. When a woman has a transformative birth experience (and really, what birth isn’t transformative?), she deserves to be fully seen. And that role is often uniquely the doula’s. Partners are witnessing, but they are most often deservedly caught up in their own personal experience of the moment. Midwives, doctors, and nurses are present, but they have medical tasks to attend to. Doulas are able to attend wholeheartedly to that moment. We witness the joy of birth. We witness mamas finding their true selves for the first time in their lives as they birth their babies. We see the look on a mama’s face when her baby is five minutes old as she tells us, “Everyone said I couldn’t do it, but I knew I could.” We witness the hilarity of birth – I’ll never forget one mama who turned to me after birthing her twins and exclaimed, “That was f*cking AWESOME!” We get to see the way a partner looks at the birthing woman in complete awe as she makes her way through contraction after contraction. We get to see him or her wipe a tear away as this new little person makes that first yawling cry. We witness the disappointments, too. And when things don’t go as planned, we can remind her that she is strong because we have seen it with our own two eyes, and we have felt it in our own doula souls. And we remember in a way that she might not. So as witnesses to those moments, we begin to help her reframe: Last summer, one of my doula mamas had a surgical birth after a long and difficult labor. In a case like this, it is easy to go to a place of dwelling in what went wrong. I go to my postpartum visit. We talk about all that happened, and I validate the disappointment. I sit with the pain. But I also tell her, because I need her to hear, “I have never seen anyone work so hard for so long. I have never seen anyone fight so hard for what she wanted. You. Are. Amazing.” And she begins to feel it is true because I have seen it and I know it to be true. She knows I was there. She knows I saw her fully. And as I write this, I remember her fierce birthing spirit as if her baby was born yesterday, and I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up a bit. Because I will never forget her strength, and the gift she gave me by allowing me in. Above all, it is that sheer strength of birthing women – no matter how they give birth – that we doulas are witness to. The strength to carry on when it feels like all the reserves have been depleted. The strength to make a choice to go a different direction than we’d dreamed. The strength to joyfully claim a place in the history and lineage of birthing women. And the repercussions of that witnessing can last a lifetime. I spent a good part of my own life feeling like I was not a very strong person. When I gave birth to my twin boys, I found strength I never even dared to imagine I had in me. Today, more than two years later, each time I see one of my two wonderful doulas, I still stand a little taller and feel that swell in my heart – “SHE has seen my strength! She knows the amazing things I am capable of!” A bit dramatic? Perhaps. But life-changingly, soul-stirringly profound for this mama? Most definitely. So when you invite a doula into your life for some portion of the nine months of your pregnancy (and a couple months after), know that the benefits don’t end there. We not only witness, but we also remember. I tell my mamas, “If you ever need to be reminded of how incredible you are, call me and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it to believe it.” So on behalf of all doulas, thank you to birthing families everywhere who invite us to witness your incredible journey. Thank you for giving us the best job in the world. Re-posted from Gloria Lemay Birth Blog
After the Birth, what a family needs Posted on October 28, 2008 by gloria This is a cross-post of a cross post originally posted in 2001, but you know what? It's still relevant. I've changed the language so that it's more inclusive of the varieties of family structure and added a few more of my own needs at the end. Did I forget anything? What did you really need when your baby came home? “Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.” Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and counter tops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my partner is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed… 1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread. 2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____). 3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right away. 4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some. 5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment. 6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.” 7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space. 8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food. 9. Come over and give my partner a two hour break so they can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight them. Fold more laundry. 10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags. Kavanah Doula Edits 11. Bring some groceries and put them away where you think they should go. 12. Change the cat litter boxes, walk the dog, feed the turtle. Be sure to give our animals a little extra love. 13. Go into our bathroom and make sure there's toilet paper and fresh towels 14. These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.” First posted online August 2001 |
Details
AuthorHi there! I'm Erika Davis and I'm a doula working in the Seattle and South Puget Sound area. Archives
December 2018
Categories
All
|